Property
On sharing a mug with a classmate: "I don't have cooties. You have cooties...(under his breath) This is really stupid."On Newt Gingrich and the Doles sharing property: "Gingrich is going to make a great president." "Why shouldn't Gingrich get 1/3 and Elizabeth Dole get 2/3? She's more rational anyway. Historically."
On a classmate refusing to give his hypothetical wife any property after divorce: "That may be that you're kind of a volatile-type personality."
On my criminal law professor hitting my contracts professor over property: "Neither of them have arms that would be considered deadly weapons."
On landlord-tenant relationships: "This is a little confusing...maybe simple."
On electricity as property: "We, our bodies, work on electricity. Our brain's like fire!"
On buying landlocked property: "If you buy landlocked land, people are going to laugh at you."
On beaches in New York: "It's not a very nice beach because it's in Queens, New York, and the water is cold and the people are mean."
On homeowner's associations: "If someone wants to have chickens and collect their own eggs, or they just like the noise, you may want to be careful."
On just about anything: "Yeah, no, you're exactly right, right?"
Criminal Law
On forcible rape: "Is it forcible, or are they just a little kinky?"On Charlie Sheen: "He is quite persuasive." "Charlie Sheen can't make you burn in hell, but supposedly God can."
On Stephen Morse: "Mainly I put up the picture so you could see his mustache. It's awesome."
Classmate on retributive justice: "If someone tried to kill me, I would probably kill them."
On attempted murder: "Maybe I just wanted to scare the bejeezis out of you. Is that a word?"
On the res ipsa loquiter test of attempt: "I remember this because we were on a basketball team when I was a student and we were all under 5'6". We called ourselves 'Res Ipsa Loquiter' because it was pretty clear that we all sucked."
On attempt: "You stink as a criminal."
On attempting to kill someone with a water gun: "Dammit, why won't it kill you?!"
On conspiracy to rob Taco Bell: "We want to inflict damage on Taco Bell in exchange for all the damage it has inflicted on us."
On conspiracy: "It begins with a C. I don't mean to be a wise-ass. I'm sorry."
On a classmate's case analysis: "What might be a more common sense answer to the case? I'm sorry I didn't mean 'sense.'"
On a cocaine hypothetical: "Students are usually very reluctant to talk with me about where I can get my cocaine."
Contracts
On our class not learning about fraud in torts: "That strikes me as reasonably awkward."On Masterson v. Sine: "That's immensely stupid."
On being frustrated about selling his house: "If I'm feisty, I apologize in advance."
On Ruttenberg: "Does it strike you as lame?"
On troubles with a car dealership: "I bought a different kind of car because they t'd me off."
On working in big city law firms: "In my course of dealing with other lawyers, there are lots of lawyers who are just lame."
On defendants ignoring specific performance: "No, go away, I want to play golf or whatever."
On being evaluated by a fellow professor: "I'm not designed to be a performer, I guess."
On drafting specific contractual provisions: "That's, like, really tedious or whatever."
On purposely creating ambiguous contracts: "Now you're going to decide I'm evil or whatever."
On St. Patrick's Day: "Two questions with one answer. It's like a McDonald's Shamrock shake. It's half off."
On forfeiture: "Courts find that distasteful, distressful or whatever."
On a 1L's perception of law school: "Tell me how all the pieces move, and then I will be a lawyer."
On explaining substantial performance: "You're looking at me like I'm a martian or whatever."
On drafting a prenuptial agreement: "I would think that has to be awkward."
On swearing he saw a raised hand: "I'm hallucinating."
On ESPN opinion: "Let me show you what is patently, unquestionably wrong."
On explaining why the ESPN opinion is wrong: "I'm getting lots of, like, quizzical looks or whatever."
On asking if we understand a 1920s case: "I'm not trying to be cute or whatever."
On being a lawyer: "If you don't want to get bitten, get out of the water."
On the belief that it's okay not to like the law: "Like Mom making you come in when you're a tike or whatever."
On the college campus becoming smoke-free: "It's like we're a totalitarian state. It bothers me."
On understanding that there is no duty to mitigate damages: "We are at the peak, the summit, the matterhorn. I do not want to move an iota in our understanding, or else we'll fall off a cliff."
On why he cites everything: "You don't need to type this. This is just to show you I'm not making this up."
On the possibility that Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton made money by mistake: "An observation came to mind that shouldn't be shared or whatever, so we'll just leave it at that."
On the MedicAlert company trying to screw him: "That still frosts my whiskers."
On mistake versus frustration of purpose: "Now we're all frustrated with my discussion...Oh, man, you're not even going to laugh at that?"
On mortgages: "It's also a mortgage in aircrafts if I do recall. I am 92% certain."
On the difference between an obligor and an obligee: "And I guess the problem is I'm somewhat dyslexic, which makes this really bad for all involved."
On assignments: "What do I mean by that? Well, I don't know."
On cases involving electricity: "They don't want anyone to get zapped or whatever."
On transfers versus mergers: "Maybe that sounds too glib or whatever."
On third party beneficiary risks: "Might be foolish. Might not. Depends on if he's a good gambler or not."
On third party beneficiary hypothetical: "Let's say I have lots of money, unfortunately a hypothetical."
On wanting to write a challenging exam: "Maybe you think I'm foolish or whatever."
On writing the exam: "Maybe I'll be so enamored by the exam that I'll tell you all about it, and I'll have to strike it and start all over again."
On ending classes a week early: "Maybe I'll just end class then. I can't do that. I'll get fired if I do that."
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